Mobile/PDA | Books | Onion Merchandise & Subscriptions | National Distribution Media Kit | Employment | Copyright
<| The Onion  

I'll Treat You Right

By Smoove B
Love Man

 Let me explain something to you. I'm from the old school, you understand. I'll treat you right. There ain't nothing in this world I wouldn't do for you, baby. I'll do whatever your happiness requires.

 I will never surrender till I know that victory over sorrow is mine. When you and I go out to eat, I'm gonna pull out your chair for you to sit down. This is a classy maneuver that means I respect you and know how to treat you right. And during our dinner together I'm gonna be whispering in your ear a sweet stream of compliments regarding your exquisite beauty. "Baby," I'll say, "your lips are like a luscious, red ocean of eternity in variance. And my lips will be like a boat upon that ocean." And any other variety of compliment.

 And when it comes down to making love, I'm going to touch your body like it's never been touched before. I'll lessen your grip on reality. My devotion will put you into the elevator of pleasure and send you climbing to the top of the tower of ecstasy. You will reach the sixtieth floor of passion when I say things like: "Ooh, sugar... Yeah... Mmm... Goodness..... Girl ... Mmm-Mmm... Damn..."

"You are mine," I will say with a warm smile. Then I will rub your feet for several hours in front of the fire while we listen to Keith Sweat..

When we go to the park, I will whisper to you, "My sweet baby, your eyes are like pearls and your hair is like moonbeams. " I will caress your hand. And I will then get on my knees in front of the park bench and say to you, "I am your man. I would do anything for you, baby. Anything at all." I will then present you with a beautiful diamond. This is how you will be treated, because you are my special one and only.

Baby, you look so good right now, I wanna get freaky with you right here on this table.

One night, you and I will take a romantic ride in a horse and carriage through town. As the night unfolds, I will profess my love to you. "Baby, you got to be mine--forever in my life.". Then I will take you home and feed oysters to you by candlelight, my sweet chocolate pudding. I will do this all night long. All night long. If oysters are not your preference, I will obtain clams, mussels, or some other form of shellfish.

You and I will take a bubble bath, and I will rub you from head to toe, every move slow and sophisticated. I will even remove my ring for the event. We will drink champagne in the bath tub until dawn, and I will sing to you, "You are the only one in my life / You are the one I dream of / My heart, my soul, my life is yours."

I would do anything for you. I will rub your body with exotic oils. I will wash my hands carefully before applying the oils. I treat my baby right..

      Smoove B's syndicated column, I'll Treat You Right, appears weekly in over 250 newspapers nationwide.

Original at: The Onion.


Copyright 2001 Onion, Inc., All rights reserved.

<| The Onion Media Kit | Employment | Copyright
Copyright 2001 Onion, Inc., All rights reserved.