Charlie Murphy's True Hollywood Stories:
I’m Rick James Bitch!


CHARLIE MURPHY: I get out the Navy, my brother's famous, his fame is exploding. I'm real proud of that. You know what I mean. I'm getting to hang out with people that I only read about in magazines and seen on the screen somewhere. I'm standing next to them, being at dinner tables with them. And you know it was a bugout, man. And you know, I was a huge Rick James fan. That's the first person that I would say that out of all the celebrities that I met, that I was starstruck.

CHARLIE MURPHY: We gonna hang out with Rick James tonight, you know what I'm saying. And he comes out the room and I look at him and I'm not bullshitting, man I seen like an orange. His aura or whatever, I seen it. It was orange.

CHARLIE MURPHY: We started kicking it and he was mad niggerish, man, which was, you know, right up my alley.

CHAPPELLE as RICK: I'm one of the baddest motherfuckers of all time. I'm one of the best singers and one of the best lookin' motherfuckers you've ever seen. Hold my drink, bitch.

CHARLIE MURPHY: He'd walk up to any chick and lick the whole side of their face, man.

CHAPPELLE as RICK: [LICKS CHICK’S FACE] I'm Rick James, bitch. Enjoy yourself. Hehehehhehe.

CHARLIE MURPHY: We got closer, started hanging out. My brother... didn't do any of this shit. So at night when Eddie would break out, we would all be doin', getting crazy and wild. And if I was hanging with Rick, he had this thing with me where he used to always like fuck with me, man. I don't know what started it.

RICK JAMES: You’re hanging out with the big dogs. You know, Charlie didn't know. He was doing crazy things and I had to straighten him out, sometimes I had to go upside his head.

CHARLIE MURPHY: Things escalated to the point where, you know, my man got too familiar and I'd ended up having to whoop his ass, man, you know. Because he would step across the line. Habitually. He's a habitual linestepper.

CHARLIE MURPHY: First time, you know, I had to end up whooping his ass. We went to Studio 54. We walk up into the VIP section and I'm looking around to see who's there, looking at the girls and everything and all of the sudden I heard someone go:

CHAPPELLE as RICK: Charlie Murphy!!! [PUNCHES CHARLIE MURPHY] That was cold blooded, in my dictionary!

CHARLIE MURPHY: He had this ring on to commemorate this song he had put out called "Unity".

RICK JAMES: And this was imprinted in that black head of his for at least a week.

CHAPPELLE as RICK: Unity!

CHARLIE MURPHY: Eddie and everybody else thought that that was the funniest shit. And so that threw me in a weird space cause I'm like 'Yeah, this is Rick James, he's a star.'

CHAPPELLE as RICK: I'm Rick James, bitch. This is a celebration, bitch.

CHARLIE MURPHY: Maybe I'm overreacting, I actually went there. Maybe I shouldn't do nothing, but my ghetto side was goin' 'Yo, stomp this motherfucker out right here.' What the fuck is wrong with him?

CHAPPELLE as RICK: I'm just unwindin'. I'm just getting started, bitches.

CHARLIE MURPHY: He totally just wrote me off like I'm that nigger to steal on.

RICK JAMES: What, he's gonna smack me back? I'm Rick James, He's Charlie Murphy.

CHARLIE MURPHY: I waited ‘cause I knew what hotel he was staying in. Eddie and them went home and I said 'I'll be right back.' I shot up to the hotel, went up to his room and knocked on the door.

CHAPPELLE as RICK: So then he comes in there and I said look bitch I'm Rick James, smacked him! Hehehehehehe. Oh!.. Charlie Murphy!

CHARLIE MURPHY: He had his hand cocked to throw another right hand. When he was coming for it, I just came BWOW! Caught him with the front.

RICK JAMES: Charlie like he gave me some kind of Bruce Lee cross kick or something.

CHARLIE MURPHY: I kicked the shit out of him. BWOW!

CHARLIE MURPHY: The wind is knocked out of him and he screams out:

CHAPPELLE as RICK: Security!

CHARLIE MURPHY: The one in the front, he had crooked eyes and shit, one eye was looking at me and the other was lookin' at Rick. And Rick had edged over by the window.

CHAPPELLE as RICK: Now darkness, the tables are turned! Do with him whatever you like!

CHARLIE MURPHY: You motherfuckers take one more step, I'm kicking this nigger out the motherfucking window.

CHAPPELLE as RICK: [TO SECURITY GUYS] Freeze!

CHARLIE MURPHY: You know you was wrong for what you did to me earlier. Look what you did to my face.

CHAPPELLE as RICK: I'm sorry Charlie Murphy. It was an accident, I was having too much fun. I offer you a truce, the stinkiest of the icky. You wanna smoke with your old boy Rick James?

CHARLIE MURPHY: Yo man, my forehead is bumpin' man!

CHAPPELLE as RICK: Now that you mention it, I think I'm bleeding inside my chest. But, I got the medicine. Bitch, come over here and have sex with Charlie Murphy! I'm Rick James, bitch! [CLAPS]

CHARLIE MURPHY: That was how that particular incident ended, but it wasn't the last time I had to whoop his ass.

RICK JAMES: Don't you think Charlie's a little old to be taking karate? He was probably taking it with little kids. Yeah, Charlie whooped my ass in his dreams, I told you Charlie has delusions of grandeur in his head. I'm tellin' you what's happening.

[COMMERCIAL]

CHARLIE MURPHY: The studio 54 thing, you know, that blew over you know what I'm saying. But you know, here we go again.

RICK JAMES: Cocaine's a helluva drug!

CHARLIE MURPHY: Cause Rick is incorrigible. He shows up at my brother's house, fucked up.

CHAPPELLE as RICK: Nice place, nigger!

CHARLIE MURPHY: So he had these dirty cowboy boots on. Pushed us out of the way, barged in the house. My brother had these brand new couches, they were suede, right? And he gets on the couch and says...

CHAPPELLE as RICK: Why don't I stretch out? Hahaha!

CHARLIE MURPHY: And just started grinding mud all into the couch, man.

RICK JAMES: Yeah, I remember grinding my feet into Eddie's couch.

OFF SCREEN INTERVIEWER: You remember why you did it?

RICK JAMES: Cause Eddie could buy another one.

CHAPPELLE as RICK: Fuck your couch, nigger! Ha ha! Buy another one, ya rich motherfucker. Fuck your couch, nigger. Fuck your couch! Darknesses! Darknesses!

CHARLIE MURPHY: Cause of my complexion, he used to call me darkness. He calls me and my brother darkness. Darkness brothers. See, this was long before Wesley Snipes, back then we was the blackest niggers on the planet according to Rick James.

RICK JAMES: Eddie and both of them darkness. Twin brother darkness.

CHARLIE MURPHY: And we're standing there looking at him and he's looking right in our eyes as he grinds this mud.

RICK JAMES: See, I never just did things just to do them, c'mon I mean, what I'm gonna do just all of the sudden just jump up and grind my feet in somebody's couch like it's something to do? Come on, I got a little more sense than that. ...Yeah, I remember grinding my feet into Eddie's couch.

[REWIND]


RICK JAMES: See, I never just did things just to do them, c'mon I mean, what I'm gonna do just all of the sudden just jump up and grind my feet in somebody's couch like it's something to do? Come on, I got a little more sense than that. ...Yeah, I remember grinding my feet into Eddie's couch.

CHARLIE MURPHY: But then it was like 'You know what? Let's handle this' We went over there and we held him down and we just wailed on his legs.

CHAPPELLE as RICK: Awwww! You Darkness. You black. Midnight. Evil motherfuckers. Black magic, darkness. Darkness. Delirious motherfuckers. You are cold as ice.

CHARLIE MURPHY: But still, Rick James, even after taking a beating like that.

CHAPPELLE as RICK: Fuck your couch, nigger!

CHARLIE MURPHY: This motherfucker's goin out, his legs is like linguine.

CHAPPELLE as RICK: I've been kicked out of better homes than this. I'll be back, you black motherfuckers. Wide nose having motherfuckers. They should've never given you niggers money. You don't know how to appreciate shit. You know you can get another couch. But what am I gonna do about legs!

CHARLIE MURPHY: My brother, you know, he's a lot more compassioniate than I am. He's lookin' and the limo's driving off and he says 'Wow man, Rick really needs help'. I was like ‘Yo, we just gave him some help!’ Busted his fuckin' ass. I betcha he won't come over here and disrespect like that again.' WRONG! WRONG! You're talking about Rick James, man.

RICK JAMES: Cocaine's a helluva drug.

[COMMERCIAL]

CHARLIE MURPHY: I had to fuck him up at 54, not at, for what we did at 54, I had to go to the hotel room and kick the shit out of him. Then he came over to my brother's house and I had to whip his legs because of what he did on the couch.

RICK JAMES: I heard him tell a story that he came into the China Club one time and I was behind the bar, now this is true.

CHARLIE MURPHY: This particular night I go over to the China Club. I walk in. And I'll never forget the first thing I seen was OJ Simpson. I remember thinking to myself 'Wow, that's O.J. Simpson, he has a big fucking head, man!' And I walk from there and I went in the other section and there's Rick behind the bar.

CHAPPELLE as RICK: Drink up, be merry! Welcome! To the China Club! A chunna, a chinna, a chine uh, a chung a chang!

CHARLIE MURPHY: Rick is you know, being Rick.

CHAPPELLE as RICK: Come on, bitches, show me your titties! I'm Rick James, do something. [WOMEN LIFT UP THEIR TOPS] Um Um! I wish I had more hands so I could give those tittles four thumbs down.

CHARLIE MURPHY: I didn't realize how high he was. Next thing you know he's like:

CHAPPELLE as RICK: Charlie Murphy! What's up partner?! Darkness, everybody! Everyone, darkness is spreading! Come over here Charlie!

RICK JAMES: I'm behind the bar and I'm serving drinks and Charlie bends over and I call out 'Charlie, come here.'

CHAPPELLE as RICK: Charlie, there's a new joke going around have you heard it? What did the five fingers say to the face?

CHARLIE MURPHY: What?

CHAPPELLE as RICK: [SLAPS CHARLIE MURPHY’S FACE]

CHAPPELLE as RICK: Cold blooded! Bang bang! Kapow! I'm Rick James, bitch. Everybody, King Kong ain't got shit on me!

CHARLIE MURPHY: I'm standing there, I'm thinking 'This nigger really has lost his fuckin' mind.' First of all, you don't slap a man. Ok? I mean, even when slapping was fashionable. You know, they did it Paris. The guy would come up, WAPAP! 'I challenge you to a duel.' They would have a gunfight after that, somebody had to go! I was just buggin' out. Anyway, I waited for five minutes, something like that.

CHAPPELLE as RICK: That's right, bitch! That's right bitch! Hehehe. Ah Darkness! Darkness, Brother Darkness!

CHARLIE MURPHY: What's up man? I wanna tell you something. Check it out, check it out. I wanna tell you something! Come here.

CHAPPELLE as RICK: Oh, what's goin' on?!

CHARLIE MURPHY: [SLAPS RICK JAMES ON THE SIDE OF THE HEAD]

CHARLIE MURPHY: I slapped the shit out of him.

CHAPPELLE as RICK: Goddamn!

CHARLIE MURPHY: I came down on it like this. The extensions was flying all over the place.

[SLAP REPEATED IN SLOW MOTION]


RICK JAMES: That is absurd!

CHARLIE MURPHY: And he stepped back and his eyes welled up with water like he was getting ready to cry.

CHAPPELLE as RICK: Why you hit me like that, Charlie?!

CHARLIE MURPHY: Cause you hit me, man!

CHAPPELLE as RICK: That was weeks ago, motherfucker! I'm partying!

CHARLIE MURPHY: No, that was tonight!

CHARLIE MURPHY: I see that he totally really forgot.

CHAPPELLE as RICK: I hit you tonight?

RICK JAMES: Cocaine's a helluva drug.

CHAPPELLE as RICK: I'm sorry Charlie Murphy. Come here Darkness. Ahhhh! It's a celebration! Bitches, come here! It's a celebration, bitches. Show Charlie Murphy your titties. I'm Rick James. [WOMEN LIFT UP THEIR TOPS] Heheheh. The milk's gone bad!

CHARLIE MURPHY: That was the ebb and flow. It was, you know, he would go over the top, and then I would, you know, check him. And then, we would have fun after that. We're still friends as a matter of fact.

RICK JAMES: I love Charlie Murphy. But? we have it out. Smack each other upside the head. Smack each other in the face. Punch each other in the chest. kick each other.

RICK JAMES: Can you imagine two grown men doing this? Cocaine's a hell of a drug. Hahahah. I must be crazy. I must be losing my mind. Sitting here reminiscing about Charlie Murphy kicking my ass. Ain't that a B?

THE END